The Book of Enoch

Summary


The Book of Enoch

Mortal women are hawt. The Watchers noticed this, and wanted to get with them. But Samyaza had recently watched The Three Musketeers and was feeling a little one-for-allish, so he said to his fellow Watchers, "If one of us sleep with a mortal lady, we're all accept responsibility. Got it?" And they were all like, "Sure, sure, let's go down to Earth and cause some MAYHEM!!"

A hoarde of fallen angels followed Samyaza down, including the illustrious Azazel, and they all did it like rabbits with the local mortal population, giving birth to GIANTS called Nephilim. The Watchers also taught the mortals secret arts, like how to make cootie catchers and which enchantments gave the best stats in World of Warcraft. But the angels up in Heaven were not pleased with this. Instructed by God, they prepared to lay the smack down on on the evil Watchers, and throw them back into the abyss. 

But Enoch—dear, sweet, innocent Enoch—had hidden away like a good lad during the massive orgy. Because of this, God looked kindly on him and invited him up into Heaven. He showed Enoch around and explained to him the SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE. Then he sent Enoch down to warn the Watchers that they were about to be in some serious shit. He did so, and the Watchers realized that their fun was over. They would never be allowed back into Heaven, and from that point on they would be seen as wicked, evil beings. Even their children were to be PUT TO DEATH for being entirely too tall.

After this, Enoch goes on a long tour around Earth and Heaven and everywhere with angels, visiting magical portals and snowy mountain peaks and vast oceans and it's crazy fun and trail mix and campfire songs are abound!

The Second Book of Enoch

This book is dumb. It's basically more about Enoch travelling around on his magical adventure to places like Cloudsdale. Come on, we already heard about that. He also gets all super powered and talks to God, and tells his ancestors about what a badass he is, and lives in Heaven happily ever after. You can see why we didn't bother you with this book in the comic.

3 Enoch

This is mostly a long and boring conversation between the Rabbi Ishmael, and METATRON!!! In it, Metatron reveals that he's actually Enoch. Hence the title of the book.

 

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