03

Modernification
by Bibbling Prophet

Today, I am sitting on a beach. A beach in Hawai’i. Now try to cool your jets for a second, kids, I know you totes wish you were here too. And if you don’t, you should. It’s hella awesome. Like, seriously, I’m surrounded by lush foliage and giant jagged mountains to the north and south, while to the east looms the infinite emptiness of the Pacific Ocean. On a rock down by the water, three crabs are crabbin’ it to the other side, while a gentle breeze constantly blows, keeping the tropical heat at bay.

It’s tight.

But at what cost, I ask you? What cost??

We were at a lookout point earlier today, and a sad (albeit attractive) man lamented that his people were no longer allowed to live in the jungles below: jungles that are perfect for sustaining a small group of people, with infinite spring and rain waters flowing over the mountainside to water plants and people alike. Everything that one needs is down in that valley. And yet. Yet!

I’m sitting here with my laptop. I daresay that the mountains and valleys can’t very well provide that! Can they?

But do I need it?

And this delicious Coke at my side; is that necessary? This semi-comfortable beach chair with its springy plastic that conforms to my butt: can I do without?

And what of the internet? This mystical, magical device that connects us to each other. What use is it? We are not standing face to face. We do not know each other personally. What of the days when we all lived happily amidst our monkey circle of friends and family? Does technology take the place of that? Are all these modern conveniences really worth it???

Yes.

Listen, I feel for the sad (albeit attractive) man at the top of Waimea Canyon. I absolutely do. It sound picturesque as fuck to live down in a perfect little valley with all my friends and family. But we’re human beings, and human beings are jettisoning forward (yes that is a word). We’re building lungs out of play-doh and sending flying cars to Andromeda. Quiet tribal living just isn’t in the cards anymore. Even if it were; even if a small group were allowed to go live by themselves forever and ever — never to be bothered by anyone else ever again — the tribe itself would eventually reinvent all these modern conveniences, figure out how to build computers and jet packs, and fly off into space too. It’s just what us human people do!

Now don’t get all jumpy and huffy and stuff, ’cause I’m not talking about culture. I’m not saying we should all live in metal boxes, devoid of personality and personal history. I love the shit out of all the history of Hawai’i. And while I was a little alarmed to first turn the corner to see a mostly naked man shouting out to the crowd, that’s just mostly ’cause I thought he was, you know, bat-shit insane. But once he proved himself an articulate and well mannered young fellow, my alarms shut off and I enjoyed the history lesson.

Just. You know. Until he started lamenting about modernification and whatnot. Then I got bored, climbed into my super-powered laser car, jacked my favorite tunes directly into my brain and flew into a portal that blinked me into the middle of a glass bubble floating in the middle of a volcano.

Blarg, wait, no I didn’t. But someday a will. ’Cause technology rocks the socks off the cocks of Kaua’i!!

(There’s a lot of cocks on Kaua’i, and I personally believe that they all really need to have the socks rocked off them. It’s the right thing to do. Cocks shouldn’t wear socks.)